Paper Boat Dreams

I think about carnal pleasures (most of the times) and look around and feel certain that something tragic is well on its way. All of this is easy to say in recollection, and I am not claiming prophecy. I am not playing made up fortune teller. I do feel, though, and I believe it’s true, that tragedies- all kinds of disasters- are always coiled up and ready to come, and that the happening of them has been scheduled, someone, long in advance.

I don’t know when it will come or what form it would take, nor do I know that no man can give another safety in it.

There will always be one final everything– the last word, of course, the last blink of an eye; there will be one last blog entry you write, the last log-in or log-out click, one last emoticon you will use. There will be a last time you can open the fridge, a last movie you will see, a last time you ride in a jeepney with nostalgic songs. It doesn’t matter how many coins you throw into the wishing well or how many times you kneel down a prayer in a day. You will make one last photograph, and be photographed one final time by somebody else; there will be one last time you will walk on a particular street, one last time you will go out from your house or come back into it. You will have one last beer, one last dream, one last orgasm, one last cigarette. There will be one final time you will see or will be seen by the man or the woman you have loved, or the people you have known, unless, of course, you outlive them all, which is unlikely.

You will lick one last stamp for the last letter you made.

I hope you won’t miss it. But you won’t know it when you do.

Sometimes you advance towards a specific destination with not just a sense of purpose and direction, but with a sense of what to expect, and you progress assured in the knowledge that the world you know will be as you know it and have always known it.

When I visited my former boarding house the other week, I knew what I would find there. I did not know of course that there were new boarders there or that the owner had been sick for months, or for how I long I don’t know, but I knew where my dusty shoes would be and that my books would be on the shelves; I knew how the paintings of my old room would be hanging, that the half-consumed gin and empty cigarette packs would be under my bed, and so on. I knew my roommate might be there, and if he wasn’t I knew he would be on another day.

Sometimes I realize that I exist with the sense that life goes on in a regular manner, that I can breathe because I am meant to and air is air, that ‘hello, goodbye, long time no see’ will greet me, that fruit and vegetables will be sold where they were sold yesterday– in short, that I can recognize myself in a recognizable world. And that much of life is ordinary and I am compelled by fate to know it, to live it, for however long.

In the future,

I will look back at memories of US and sigh (or smile) and be thankful for what time we spent together, be it days, weeks, months, or mere seconds.

I will remember the wine you sipped from the dish of my tongue; such is a poem so sweet you left on a frozen December night; crispy creams at early morn, sleeping to your guitared lullabies.

I may forget the names I used to call you, subsequent years from now -- concrete details lost to memory forever... but I will never forget the essence of what made You who You are, and why I chose You, for a time.

If we'll meet years from now, wherever it'll be, however the events will twist our fate,  I'll still be proud to say;

I did love you so-- it was like a well, so deep, that if you went to the very bottom, you'd see stars.

1.  You are in a relationship.
2.  You tell people you are single and your current partner is your ex.
3.  You use a history of things to justify my mistakes (this so scientific to understand my values).
4.  You are a friend of my friend who turn your fucking back to my face and then wall me out of every conversation.
5.  You like to build friendship out of common contempt for a third person.
6.  You ask me to be one of your Facebook fans.
7.  You are only nice to me after I become mean to you; but I am not only mean to you because you were horrible to me when I was being friendly.
8.  You regularly send group text messages.
9.  You prefer salty food over other things served on the table.
10. You have more answers than questions.
11. You say, “I have to get overwhelming compliments”; but don’t work for what you need.
12. You invite me to a dinner without bringing anything to pay the order.
13. You fuck without using a condom.
14. You fuck before the third date.
15. You and I met online.

Life is as simple as riding through the roads to your workplace in a typical song-filled jeepney, sitting next to a person who is so beautiful that every time you look at him/her you just feel good all over =))